Christmas shopping

Sassy got to get away for a day to visit with Nana and Nana's bff in a nice big shopping suburb of Baltimore. I guess she'll be shopping for me. ;-) So I got the whole afternoon and evening to shop for Sassy. I thought it would be fun.

It was not.

I made the mistake of going to Toys R Us. I shouldn't have gone in there. The whole time it reminded me of how me and Sassy's daddy would shop for her when she was a toddler we would go with our coupons in hand and upgrade her stroller, or get her a new mini-trike bike. All the parents in there with their toddlers and babies. New parents. Just like we were. All the parents with their walkie-talkies talking back and forth trying to be sly with the kids in tow.

It reminded me of how much joy it felt for us to watch her get so excited to see new toys. It reminded me of how Sassy would hold on to a baby doll until it was time to leave. Once in a blue moon we'd leave with the baby.

Most of all I miss sharing parenting with Daddy. It is hard to be excited about parenting when you are the only one doing it. Christmas used to be such a time of joy and excitement for us. We were the kind of parents who rarely bought gifts for the kids during the year. But come Birthday or Christmas and we showered and I mean showered Sassy with gifts. Daddy took such pride in getting things he knew people would love. He liked to play mind games so that people would think they were getting one thing but he'd always get us what we really wanted.

It is hard to keep those traditions up without him. Financially alone I can't do it. He was a great breadwinner and I never had to worry about if we were going to make it through Christmas. Shopping for Christmas now feels like such a daunting task. It feels scary. Will I have enough to get everyone a little something? And that's the thing when Daddy and I were together I didn't have as many people to buy for. When you are a single mom you have lots of friends and extended family to fill your relational voids and without those people in your life you can't survive.

Will I have backed-up bills after Christmas because I used my savings? Actually purchasing the gifts I feel sweaty. Even if I have a plan and a budget.

There is no joy in buying anymore. It feels like something I have to do that will deplete my money. Maybe I'm trying to upkeep traditions that I cannot do. Maybe I'm being dramatic. IDK. What I do know is I am void of joy this Christmas season. Maybe it's not the finances I am nervous about. Maybe it's just the pure grief I am nervous about. I know what that bible says and I know how much God provides for me and how he has NEVER EVER left me hanging financially. He always takes care of me. I think my lack of joy is more about the grief.

So I humbly ask for your prayers friends because it is a hard time of year living without my dad and Sassy living without hers. We have been grieving pretty hard this season.