I took an internet hiatus. I was filled with nothing to say but so much I wanted to. That's the problem with using a blog as a journal. You really can't do it. You can't purge all of your feelings out in public. It's been a rough couple of years for me and I'm not sure what to make of it all. Looking at what my family once was and looking at what has become of it is quite painful. I am a 33 year old woman with no parents. That sucks! I will say amidst my despondency about it all I still love my Lord Jesus Christ. I still go to church and to my bible studies. I still pray to my Lord everyday. I still strongly believe but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been bruised up a bit when it comes to my faith. High expectations (Christian life expectations) I guess will do that to you. Where does it ever say that once you are a Christian expect a great life? It's quite the opposite really. But somehow Christians make it seem as if as long as you love God you have nothing to be sad about. Well that's a load of crap. You can have joy and peace in God and still have pain. When I am in pain I isolate. That's how it is. I've tried to not be that way but I do. Oh I still go to my social engagements, I still go to work, I still engage in life but not authentically. I do it because I have to not because I want to. I do however love watching the Lord bring me up out of the dark into His love again and again. He just keeps lifting us up. He'll never stop.
So I am somewhat back to normal again with my silly ways and my subtle antagonistic personality.
I love taking Sunday drives around these parts in the country looking at the mountains. I really do love it down here.
We got a house and are set to move into it in the next month. I will be saying goodbye to the tiny apartment that brought me down south and hello to the future home that will house us at least until Sassy goes to college. It's a beautiful home in a historic area with plenty of space for our pets and for my little brother if and when he gets down here. It should only be a matter of months before that happens! When we moved into our apartment to get settled here we knew it would only be a stepping stone before we got settled. I wanted to get in the right area for the right public high school for Sassy. After agonizing searching, praying, and researching I've decided to send her to private Christian school. It's what she wants, it's what I want, and it's what will give her a full 4 year scholarship to a huge Christian college down here. 100% tuition paid. I can't pass it up. It may be a sacrifice now but I'm determined it will be worth it. There are two Christian schools here that participate in the scholarship program so if for some reason she doesn't get into either of those we will continue to homeschool with high school Co-Ops. She and I shook on it. This is the plan.
Speaking of Sassy's! Awww she's getting so old. I really love the person she is becoming. She is really flourishing within her personality and within her confidence. She is smart, independent, unique, witty, and very respectful. It's hard to believe she will be 14 in a week! Holy moly!
I mean we have conversations about high school and college and big life stuff, and music, and art, and theater, and great food, and cooking, and lots of and's. ;) I'm enjoying her around these ages. Let's be honest I've enjoyed her every step of the way. I love being a mother to her. I can accept that I haven't really found my way as a grown woman because I always put her first. It's just who I am. I've always worked odd jobs to allow me the most time to raise her and be in her life. I've always put my education second, everything second. I've tried to be a different way but I can't. I just am a mom who decides to put her child first. I'm sure there are cons to that but I'll deal with them.
Sassy and I love going to plays. We saw a local play recently and this is a snapshot of the historic theater there. You're not allowed to photograph the actual play so this is as good as it got. I almost had a meltdown because one of the actors tripped really bad and I was crying trying to hold in my laughter. It was very difficult. Yes I know that's immature but I can't help it. When someone falls I am done. Oh well!
Well this concludes my blog catch-up only a month after my last post. Looks like I did have some things to say after all. :)